Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. “But,” said the duffer, “since you’re obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two ‘gotchas’.”
The golf pro didn’t know what a ‘gotcha’ was, but he went along with it. And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
“What happened?” asked one of the members.
“Well,” said the pro, “I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my crotch and yelled ‘Gotcha!”
“Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second ‘gotcha’?”
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living.
So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed.
The man said, ‘No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.’
So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it.
He said, ‘WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?’ The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, ‘YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too!’ This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.
The hit man replied, ‘It’s $1000 every time I pull the trigger.’
The man said, ‘$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife.’
The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He’s looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for.
The hitman replies, ‘Just hold on now… I’m about to save you a thousand bucks.’
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.
“There” he said to the husband, “That’s what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday”.
“Well,” replied the husband, “I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days.”
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
A golfer playing in a two-ball foursome drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on a par three hole. His partner, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the green into a bunker.
Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole. The second golfer nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the first golfer to putt the ball in.
“Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par three?” says the first golfer.
“Yes, and don’t forget who took three of them!” answered his partner!!!
Two long time golfers were standing overlooking the river getting ready to hit their shots.
One golfer looked to the other and said, “Look at those idiots fishin’ in the rain.”
A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he and his wife had played the course every year for over 20 years, but this year she had passed away. He kept the tee time in her memory.
The twosome commented that this was very thoughtful, indeed, but certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot.
“I thought so too,” he replied, “but they all wanted to go to the funeral.”
Why are golf and sex so similar?
They are the two things you can thoroughly enjoy even though you are really bad at them.
Two young friends learned golf in high school and played a lot together. After high school they got jobs and proceeded to bet with each other. They were pretty equally matched so first one would win and then the other would win.
As a matter of fact, at the end of the year neither was financially ahead of the other. As life went on they made more money at their jobs and increased the size of their bets. Still one would win and then the other would win. As usual, at the end of the year, neither was financially ahead of the other.
They became really aged and decided to hang up the clubs but would play one last game for $10,000 as each was independently wealthy. On 18th tee the game was tied up. One hit a beautiful drive down the middle and the other sliced into the woods. They looked for the ball for 15 or 20 minutes and the fellow on the fairway said, “I’m going to hit up!”
“Okay,” said the other, “but I’ll keep on looking.”
The fellow in the fairway hit one of the best shots of his life and the ball rolled to within 6 inches of the cup. As he approached the green and got his putter from his caddie, the fellow in the woods shouted, “I found it!”
“Hit it then,” said the fellow on the green!”
The guy in the woods hacked at the ball. It bounded off a branch, flew the trap, hit on the apron, rolled onto the green and into the cup.
At which the fellow on the green said to his caddie, “What do I do now? I’ve got his first ball in my pocket!”
One Sunday morning, a Priest looks out his window at a beautiful, sunny day. Although he knows that it’s his responsibility to say Mass in an hour, he calls in his second, complaining of illness. He then sneaks out the back door with his golf clubs.
Up in heaven, Saint Peter and God are watching. St. Peter says to God “You can’t let that go unpunished! That Priest is giving in to temptation and not living up to his vows.”
God agrees, but as St. Peter watches, the Priest is having the round of his life. In fact, on the par 3 17th hole, the Priest hits a beautiful shot and the ball rolls into the hole, for his first ever hole-in-one.
St. Peter is very upset and says to God, “Do something! He’s having the round of his life!”
God calmly turned to St. Peter, smiled, and said “Yes, but who’s he going to tell?”
Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” said he in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.”
“I guess not, said Fred, “what the hell do they have to cuss about?”
A fellow goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, everytime I swing my 7 iron I pass this outrageous gas.”
He swings the iron in the doctor’s office and breaks a loud sound of wind. He swings the 8 iron and nothing, he swings the 6 and nothing. He swings the 7 again the same loud sound is heard, followed by a very foul smell.
The doctor says,”H’m, interesting case,” and gets up and grabs a long pole laying against the wall.
“What are you going to do with that,” the fellow nervously asks, fearing the worst.
“I’m going to open the window and let some air into this room,” the Doc replies.
For most of the round the golfer had argued with his caddy about club selection, but the caddy always prevailed. Finally on the seventeenth hole, a 185-yard par three into the wind, the caddy handed the golfer a four-wood and the golfer balked.
“I think it’s a three-iron,” said the golfer.
“No, sir it’s a four-wood,” said the caddy.
“Nope, it’s definitely a three-iron.”
So the golfer set up, took the three-iron back slowly, and struck the ball perfectly. It tore through the wind, hit softly on the front of the green, and rolled up two feet short of the pin.
“See,” said the caddy. “I told you it wasn’t enough club.”
At a Golf Course, the four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway runs along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, “How on earth did you do that?”
Without hesitation, he said, “You have to know the bus schedule.”
This Fellow’s wife constantly berated him, to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented. Off they go.
First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty.
Husband steps up first and says “Now watch me, and do the same thing.” A nice shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
Wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and bounces it off a rock, clips a tree, sideswipes the second rock and rolls up onto the green and sinks it.
Husband looks at this, and says, “OK, now you know how to play, let’s go home.”
One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot.
She’s got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, “You bastard! I can’t believe it! How could you do that?”
The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, “Hey…I said only if it’s raining.”
A marine drill sergeant fancied a round of golf one day, and headed out to his favorite links. Waiting on the first tee, he noticed an air force commander, also waiting on the first tee and also alone. Both being in the armed forces, they decided to play together.
It wasn’t long before they were talking about work. They shared boot camp stories, war memories, and jokes about new recruits. It went this way until about the third hole, when the marine sergeant was finishing a story about a run-a-way tank and said, “And you know that the marines are the bravest men in the armed forces.”
The air force commander dropped his putter, “Just what do you mean by that?” he challenged. “Well,” the sergeant went on, “who do you send to take new territory? Who do you send in when you’re out numbered? Who gets the call for the most covert operations?”
The air force commander putted out, and angrily he said, “Well, while you are hiding in the bushes, who is a clear target in the sky? Who do you call for support when you’re losing? And who is always sent in during a losing battle? Sir, the men of the air force are the bravest men.” This argument lasted for the rest of the round. Both men swearing their men were the bravest, and each had stories to tell to back up their claims.
After finishing, they headed to the club house for a beer, still debating the matter. Finally, the marine sergeant stood and said, “I’ve got to head back to camp. Play again next week?”
To this, the air force commander said, “Well, I must apologize, it seems I was mistaken. Anyone who played like you did today, and is willing to come back to the same golf course is a much braver man than myself!”
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar :
COLD BEER: $2.00
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “May I help you?”
The old golfer leans over the bar, “I was wondering, young lady,” he whispers, “Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? ”
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: “Yes Sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans closer and whispers softly into her left ear, ‘Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.”
Don’t buy a putter unless you have had a chance to throw it!
The Top Ten Signs You’ll Never Break 100:
* The starter sees you coming and quickly puts out a sign that says No Swing, No Clue, No Service.
* You’ve never shot your age but you have shot your cholesterol count.
* Your idea of an athlete is John Daly downing a frosty tall one with a cigarette dangling off his lip.
* You refuse to post a score until Florida does a hand recount of each hole.
* Your name is Tripp Bogart, but you’re better known as Triple Bogey.
* The only eagle you ever had was confiscated by a Fish and Game official.
* Every year you attend the Million Mulligan Man March.
* You’d much rather break 100 hymens.
* Instead of practicing, you buy magic birdie beans from a gypsy woman.
* After 18 holes, your buddy wants to play another round but you’d rather cuddle.
Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules with no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy’s ball landed on a cart path.
As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, “We agreed that we would not improve our lie.”
No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it. So the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks!
Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin.
“Great shot!” his friend exclaimed. “What club did you use?”
“YOUR 7-iron!” he replied.
The true rules of golf:
* Golfers who claim they don’t cheat, also lie.
* There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
* Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
* You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball. * A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
* If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in the bunker.
* If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
* Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
* If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
* The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
* The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
* If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip.
* Non chalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
* The shortest distance beween any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
* There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
* You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
* Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
* It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
* Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
* A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
* It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
* Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
* If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
* Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
* When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
* Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
* No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
* Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
* When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
The same foursome played every day at ten o’clock. They were known as the three-hour gang, always finished by 1pm so they could play gin all afternoon.
One eventful day, they ran into a foursome ahead of them, playing incredibly slow. The guys in the three-hour gang waved and waved at each tee, but the group ahead never moved aside to let them through.
After a frustrating five and one-half hour round, the gang came into the men’s bar fuming. The slow group was at a table across the room and the whole bar could hear the cussing coming from the gang.
Finally, the waitress approached the gang and said, “You guys should lighten up. That group you’re cussing out?….they can’t see. They’re blind golfers and I think it’s great they can even play!”
The first player in the gang felt terrible and told the waitress, “You’re right, tell you what..send them over a round of drinks on me!”
The second guy told the waitress to put the blind golfers’ lunches on his tab.
The third guy sent a caddie to the pro shop for four sleeves of balls to present to the blind golfers.
Everyone looked at the fourth guy. “Screw ’em”, he grumbled, “Tell those idiots to play at night.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
An older couple are playing in the annual Husband & Wife Club Championship. They are playing in a play-off hole and it is down to a 6-inch putt that the wife has to make.
She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming.
“I can’t believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my ‘willy’.”
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, “Yes dear, but it was much harder!”
A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer industrial golf league.
This study indicated that the single golfers who play in these leagues are ‘skinnier’ than the married ones.
The study’s explanation for this result was interesting. It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a ‘refreshment’ at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed.
The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a ‘refreshment’ at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible golf cart wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Tom.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife that the word is ‘sternum’.”
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Bob! How ya doin?’
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. ‘Oh no,’ says Bob. ‘He’s in my bowling league.
When they are seated, the waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’
” I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, ‘Hi
Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’
Bob’s wife, furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,’Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.’
Bob ‘s funeral will be on Saturday.
Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235 yard par-3. After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and sails the ball 20 feet over the pin and backs it up to within 3 feet of the pin.
A fan in the crowd said “Mr. Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?”
Mr. Palmer replied, “Do you own a 3 iron?”
The fan said, “Yes, sir I do.”
“How far do you hit it?” said Palmer. About 160 yards was his reply.
Palmer calmly said, “What the hell do you want it to back up for?”
A man is getting married, and is standing by his bride at the church. Standing by him is his golf clubs and bag.
His bride whispers: “What are your golf clubs doing here?”
And the man said “This is not going to take all day is it?”
A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time. This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off.
Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals.
Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave’s approach shot to the green was even better than his drive – leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup.
Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet.
Of course the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks. After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills.
Dave said “Guys its these new bifocals – when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club – when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club – but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So I hit the little ball with the big club all day. When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter.”
Well, everyone thought this was exceptional and required several more drinks.
After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men’s room. However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him.
He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet.
“What happened?” His friend inquired.
An obviously tipsy Dave replayed “I don’t know. I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two – one big one and one little one. Well, I didn’t recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!”
Three men are in a bar, all very drunk, and talking to each other, bragging about their families.
The first guy says, “I have four sons. One more and I’ll have a basketball team.”
The second guy says, “That’s nothin’. I have ten sons. One more and I’ll have a football team.”
The third guy, the drunkest of them all replies “You guys haven’t found true happiness. I have seventeen wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course.”
A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”
The wife is furious. She yells at him “You’ve been out golfing all day! Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . .”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started . . ”
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, “What’s your handicap?”
“Oh, I’m a scratch golfer,” the other replied.
“Really!” exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
“Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!”
An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer.
After a bad tee shot, he played a “Mulligan” which was an extremely good one.
He then asked the Scottish, “What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?”
“We call it 3.”
Two golfers join up at the first tee and each explains that due to a psychological problem, they play slightly differently than most golfers.
The soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress. And so they tee off with their imaginary balls.
After a day of splitting fairways and hitting nothing less then eagles, birdies and pars, they reach the 18th hole.. The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first. So he tees off with his imaginary ball.
“Look at that, a beautiful shot just on the edge of the green.”
The second guy hits his imaginary ball and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball. The first guy lines up and drains his 20-footer to the bottom of the cup.
“You wouldn’t believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win.”
The second guy responds, “You won’t believe it either, you just hit my ball.”
One day a golfer brought his regular golfing buddies together, and gave them each $50,000 cash and instructed them that upon his death, they were to throw it into the coffin, because he wanted to take it with him.
As luck would have it, he died soon after. When the funeral was over, his buddies met.
The doctor in the group said “I have a confession to make. I put in an empty envelope and I used the money to buy equipment for the free clinic.”
The priest said “Me too, only I used the money to help build the youth center.”
Somewhat shocked, the last member of the group, a lawyer, said “I can’t believe you guys went back on your word.”
They asked him if he actually put the $50,000 in the coffin.
He replied “I most certainly did … with my very own personal check.”
After an enjoyable eighteen holes of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love.
On the way home, the man’s conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn’t want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean.
“Honey,” he said when he got home, “I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I’m sorry, it won’t ever happen again, and I hope you’ll forgive me.”
His wife scowled at him and said, “Don’t lie to me, you sorry scum bag! You played thirty-six holes, didn’t you?”
Q. What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Lady Di??
A. Tiger Woods has a better driver.
Here is The Gospel According to St. Titleist …
1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. – Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. – John Updike
3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. – Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. – Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. – Gardner Dickinson
6. If people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death. – Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. – William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt. – Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up. – Tommy Bolt and David Ash
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. – Bishop Sheen
11. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. – Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons. – Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. – Pete Dye
14. I’m hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them! – Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. – Billy Graham
16. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. – Jack Lemmon
17. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. – Mark Twain
18. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. – Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. – Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. – Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle. – All Us Hackers
22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. – George Deukmejian
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. – Lee Trevino