The Laws of Golf
1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
4. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes – – or at a minimum of not at all.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
9. If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
12. If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip.
13. Golfers who claim they don’t cheat, also lie.
14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
16. It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.
17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
19. It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
25. To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600mph.
26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
27. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
28. You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball.
29. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
31. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
32. Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
The 10 Commandments of Golf
THOU SHALT NOT covet thy neighbors putter.
THOU SHALT NOT pick up lost balls before they stop rolling.
THOU SHALT NOT wager with those who carry a one-iron.
THOU SHALT NOT play “inside the leather” with a 52″ putter.
THOU SHALT NOT build thy house of handicap with sand bags.
THOU SHALT NOT worship St. Mulligan, except on the 1st tee.
THOU SHALT NOT imitate a stunt driver in a golf cart.
THOU SHALL yell “Fore!” before the body hits the ground.
THOU SHALL restrict profanity on the course to three putting or worse.
THOU SHALL throw thy clubs in non-lethal directions.
Top Ten Signs Your Driver Head is Too Big
You tee it up right next to the left block and still nick the right one.
You get mad and slam the ground with it, then fall into the hole it made.
Compared to a silhouette of your head, it’s the one without the nose.
It casts enough shade for a family of four to have a picnic.
Just to get to the course you have to tie it on your ski rack.
It’s the same exact size as Paula Jones’ old nose.
Tired? Waiting for the group ahead? It makes a dandy chair.
You have to ship it to the factory for repairs in a coffin.
Your head cover is an airport windsock.
It’s name? Great Big Brando.
Top 10 signs your partner is a murderer?
10. You start out as a foursome and end up a duo.
9. He celebrates his hole-in-one by strangling a squirrel.
8. Claims his ball was planted in the sand trap by Mark Fuhrman.
7. When he yells “Fore!” people really pay attention.
6. Always wants to bet $8.5 million a hole.
5. Gets really jumpy whenever anyone goes near his golf bag.
4. When you drive into the rough, he says, “You play golf about as well as Marcia Clark prosecutes!”
3. His last partner was found hanging off the little windmill at the local putt-putt.
2. When you ask, “What’s your handicap?” he says, “Violent paranoid schizophrenia.”
1. His caddy: A.C. Cowlings.
Top 10 why golf is better than sex
10. Choice of public or private courses.
9. Lessons are available.
8. If you’re good you can turn pro and do it full time.
7. Can clean balls at every hole.
6. Choice of wood, aluminium or graphite.
5. The less strokes the better.
4. If you lose a ball, you still have two left.
3. Threesomes and foursomes happen all the time.
2. Can pick the size of your shaft.
1. Every hole is well groomed and manicured.
Top Ten Signs You’ll Never Break 100
The starter sees you coming and quickly puts out a sign that says No Swing, No Clue, No Service.
You’ve never shot your age but you have shot your cholesterol count.
Your idea of an athlete is John Daly downing a frosty tall one with a cigarette dangling off his lip.
You refuse to post a score until Florida does a hand recount of each hole.
Your name is Tripp Bogart, but you’re better known as Triple Bogey.
The only eagle you ever had was confiscated by a Fish and Game official.
Every year you attend the Million Mulligan Man March.
You’d much rather break 100 hymens.
Instead of practicing, you buy magic birdie beans from a gypsy woman.
After 18 holes, your buddy wants to play another round but you’d rather cuddle.
Top Ten Slogans for the New “Champions” Senior Tour
* Prelude to Senility
* You can beg all you want – we ain’t going away.
* The Gray, the Bald and the Saggy.
* Polyester on Parade.
* Guts and Butts
* We’re Not Quite Vegetables
* Twice the Pounds, Half the Talent
* Calvacade of Codgers.
* We’re Not Bankrupt … Yet!
* Geezers R Us