A golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart. He had blood on his face as he began to climb out. An attractive woman, who lived in a condo on the golf course, had been sunbathing on her patio. She heard the noise and looked up to see the overturned cart and the man with blood on his face.
She called out, “Hello, are you okay?”
“I’m fine, thanks,”he replied.
“You look bloodied and frazzled,”she said.
“Come to my condo. I’ll bandage your cut and give you a drink. Afterwards I’ll help you get the cart up.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,”he answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like that.”
“Oh, come on,”she insisted, as she adjusted the bikini on her sexy body.
“I can see you’ve cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I’m a nurse.” She was very persuasive and sexy, and he felt woozy from the accident.
“Well okay,”he agreed and added, “But my wife won’t like it.”
She bandaged the cut on his forehead, and gave him a glass of brandy. They talked about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. He confessed to a weakness in his putting, so she gave him a putting lesson … holding him close as she did so.
He said, “I feel a lot better now, but I better get going. My wife will be really upset that I’m here with you.”
“Don’t be silly,” she said with a smile. “Your wife won’t know anything about us. By the way, where is she?”
“Under the cart,”he replied.
After his recent hole in one, Frank and his buddies were hanging out and planning a 5-day golf outing.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Frank headed home totally frustrated. The following week when Frank’s buddies arrived at the golf resort to play golf, they were shocked to see Frank sitting in the lobby, drinking a beer , holding his putter!
“How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Frank?”
“I didn’t have to,” Frank replied. “Last I night I slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, the wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise.’
When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ‘Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want’……SO HERE I AM!”
Bill and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and “play it as it lays” on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 first hole down the middle and about 260 yards. They drive up for the second shot, and Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Ralph slices his over the trees and it ends up on the cart path of the adjoining hole.
“Guess I get a free drop from the cart path,” he says.
“Oh no,” says Bill, “We agreed. Play it as it lays.”
So Ralph drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and rolls to within 3 feet of the pin. Ralph drives back to the green.
Bill says, “Great shot back there! What club did you use?”
Ralph responds, “Your six iron.”
Joe addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped!
Joe and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay unconscious with the ball between his feet.
“Good heavens” exclaimed Joe, “what shall I do?”
“Don’t move him” said his partner, “if we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or take a two club length drop.”
Bob invited his friend Johnny to play at his new club. Since Jimmy had never played the course before, Mac pointed out the trouble spots and where to aim on the first hole.
Johnny teed up, addressed the ball, took a couple of waggles and took a vicious swing. He hit a foot behind the ball, tore up the teebox and totally missed the ball. Unphased he stepped back, took a couple practice swings and again addressed his ball. This time his swing missed everything.
He stepped back from his ball again, looked at Mac and said, “Boy, this is really a tough course!”
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” demanded his wife.
“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”.
Some of the greatest comebacks in the world are said on the golf course:
Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddy: “I doubt that. I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 ”
Caddy: “Try heaven,” advised the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “This is the worst golf course I’ve ever played on!”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course, sir! We left that a half hour ago!”
Golfer: “Well, Caddy, How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf.”
Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before,Sir.”
Golfer: “Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.”
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!”
Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.”
Caddy: “It’s not supposed to be.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!” he screamed.”
Caddy: “I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence”
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.
After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, “Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.”
“Oh great! NOW you tell me,” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
At wits end, the golfer finally said, “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It is annoying.”
The Caddie answered, “This isn’t a watch, sir. It is a compass.”
Two couples were enjoying a competitive, best ball match…wives against husbands with the losers buying lunch and a libation.
On the final hole, the match was all even and one of the wives had a long, breaking, fifteen foot putt to win the match. She lined the ball up carefully and confidently stroked the winning putt. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole … dead on line.
Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, “Right train, wrong ticket.”
The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, “No sleeper cars on that train either.”
James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse.
James asked the pro: “What do you think of my game?”
The pro replied: “You should shortened your clubs by 1 inch.”
James asked if the pro thought this would help his game.
To which the pro said, “No! It will help them fit in the trash can!”
An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman were playing golf on a links course when they spotted a stunning mermaid on the shore. They all dropped their clubs and ran down for a closer look. The mermaid was incredibly beautiful and voluptuous.
The Italian, burning with desire, asked the mermaid, “Have you ever been fondled?”
“No, I haven’t,” whispered the mermaid.
So the Italian walked over and hugged and fondled her warmly.
The mermaid said, “Hmmmm, that’s nice.”
The Frenchman, not to be outdone, said, “Have you ever been kissed?”
“No, I haven’t,” answered the mermaid.
So the Frenchman went over and kissed her long and slow.
“Hmmmm,” sighed the mermaid, “that’s nice.”
Finally the Scotsman asked her, “Have you ever been screwed?”
“No, I haven’t,” said the mermaid.
“Well, you have now,” said the Scotsman, ’cause the tide’s out!”
Greg was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang… It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving wh at was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant…. Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn’t you!” “I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It’s just as well you went ahead a nd finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV’s; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don’t forget the hygiene care.”
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed… The doctor snickered and said, “I’m just screwing with you. She’s dead. What’d you shoot?”
John and Helen met while on vacation and John fell head over heels “In Love” with her. But after a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various dance clubs, restaurants, and concerts, he was convinced that it was true love.
And so … on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
“It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” John said to his newfound lady friend. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s going to be a problem, you’d better say so now!”
Helen took a deep breath and responded, “Since we’re being honest with each other, here goes … you need to know that I’m a hooker.”
“I see,” John replied. “That’s a problem, for sure.”
He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”
Bob was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
“It’s the wife” said Bob. “As you know, she’s taken up golf, and since she’s been playing, she’s cut my sex down to once a week.”
“Well you should think yourself lucky,” said his partner. “She’s cut some of us out altogether!”
A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year.
“In most parts of the USA we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring,” the American said.
“Why, in Scotland we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us,” said the Scot.
“Well, what do you do; paint your balls black,” asked the American.
“No”, said the Scot “we just put on an extra sweater or two.”
Two priests are having lunch. One priest says to the other priest, “I have sinned. I have used profanity.” Startled, the other priest tells him it might be ok in reference to the text it was used. He tells him that he was playing golf. The following conversation ensued…
Priest 1: Well, I drove the ball 350 yards right onto the green and right next to the cup.
Preist 2: You used profanity for that?
Priest 1: No. Just as I was walking up to putt, a bird swooped down and picked up my ball, carried it off, and dropped it in the pond.
Priest 2: So then you used profanity?
Priest 1: No. Then a huge snapping turtle came out of the pond with my ball and dropped it almost in the same spot it had landed in the first place.
Priest 2: Well, you must have said whatever you said then?
Priest 1: No. Then this twister came, I ran, and when I came back my ball was gone again.
Priest 2: You got to be kidding? I would have sworn then. Did you?
Priest 1: No. Then that same bird came back and he had my ball in its mouth and dropped it back on the green, 6 inches from the hole. So I ran up to the ball so I could knock it in…
Priest 2: Don’t tell me you missed the fucking putt…
Three old guys are out playing golf.
First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
Second one says, “No, it’ Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go to the club house and get a beer.”
Bill is waiting to tee off for the start of his round when he sees Ralph just finishing his round. Bill notices that Ralph is wet all over the front of his trousers. Curiosity gets the best of him, so Bill asks Ralph how he got so wet. Ralph tells the following story:
That day, Ralph had played golf for the first time with bifocals. All day long, he could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club; a big ball and a little ball; etc. Therefore, Ralph said that he hit the little ball with the big club and it went straight and long all day long. On the green, he putted the little ball into the big cup. He said that he played the best golf of his life.
Bill said, “I understand that, but how did you get all wet?”
“Well,” said Ralph, “when I got to the 16th, I had to urinate awfully bad. I went into the woods and unzipped my fly. When I looked down, there were two of them also; a big one and a little one. Well, I knew the big one wasn’t mine, so I put it back.”
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, “I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.”
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband “Hey, where’s your ball?”
“It’s over here in the pussy willows.”
The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!!”
Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex…..
#10… A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7… Foursomes are encouraged.
#6… You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5… Three times a day is possible.
#4… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3… If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#2… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…..
#1… When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
Here is an interesting letter …
Dear Family and Friends,
You may not know it but I have been very busy over the past two years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf.
I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy. Here is the Table of Contents from my new book: “Winning Golf Strategies,” which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and inside information that I have gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of golfing partners and what improved their games.
Table of Contents:
Chapter 1 – How to properly line up your fourth putt.
Chapter 2 – How to hit a Titleist from the rough when you hit a Maxfli from the Tee.
Chapter 3 – How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.
Chapter 4 – How to get more distance off the shank.
Chapter 5 – When to give the ranger the finger.
Chapter 6 – Using your shadow on the greens to distract your opponent.
And the remaining Chapters:
Chapter 7 – When to implement Handicap Management.
Chapter 8 – Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 – How to urinate behind a 4″ x 4″ post undetected.
Chapter 10 – How to rationalize a 6-hour round.
Chapter 11 – How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
Chapter 12 – Why your spouse doesn’t care that you birdied the 5th.
Chapter 13 – How to let a foursome play through your twosome.
Chapter 14 – How to relax when you are hitting three off the tee.
Chapter 15 – When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.
Chapter 16 – God and the meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey three-putt.
Chapter 17 – When to re-grip your ball retriever.
Chapter 18 – Use a strong grip on the Hand-Wedge and a weak slip on the foot-wedge.
The Final Chapter is best:
Chapter 19 – Why male golfers will pay $7.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and then stiff the bartender.
Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy.
Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?
Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn’t you?
Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddy: This isn’t a watch, sir. It’s a compass.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddy: Oh, he’s played with you, too, huh?
Top Ten Caddy Comments
Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies’ teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.
The coroner calls him in and says, “She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can’t understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?” “Oh,” he replies, “that must have been my mulligan.”
Why do women like making love to Greg Norman, the Australian golfer?
Because he always finishes second!
Tiger Woods was traveling through rural Kentucky in his new Mercedes. He stopped at a small gas station and asked the mechanic if he could get his oil changed.
“Why sure,” the mechanic said, not seeming to recognize the golf star.
About thirty minutes later the oil change is complete. As Tiger started to back the car out, the mechanic noticed some buttons on the dashboard and asked Tiger what they were for.
Tiger looked down at the tees on his dash and says, “Those are what I set my balls on.”
The old man replied, “Boy oh Boy, those Germans think of everything, don’t they!”
An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: “Hoshimota! Hoshimota!” He can’t quite remember what the word means, but he’s sure he’s pleased the hooker to best of his ability.
The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can’t think anything to say but “HOSHIMOTA!”
Concerned, his partner turns to him, “What do you mean it’s in the wrong hole?”
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says,” How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way.”
The doc said , “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.” So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, “You’ll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.”
He whips down his pants and says, “Look at this, it’s still in the CRATE!”
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed.
The man said, ‘No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.’
So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it.
He said, ‘WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?’ The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, ‘YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too!’ This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.
The hit man replied, ‘It’s $1000 every time I pull the trigger.’
The man said, ‘$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife.’
The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He’s looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for.
The hitman replies, ‘Just hold on now… I’m about to save you a thousand bucks.’
A golfer was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him; “Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat”. The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday at his favorite golf course.
Chuck was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished up a terrible round of golf and wasn’t in a mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the parking lot and started changing his shoes.
Just as he was closing the trunk of his car, a police officer spotted him. The policeman, stern-faced, walked over to Chuck and asked, “”Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about thirty minutes ago?”
“Yes,” Chuck replied, “yes I did. Is something wrong, officer?”
“Did you happen to hook your tee shot?” the policeman asked.
“Yes, I did,” replied Chuck.
“Did your ball fly over the trees and off the course?” the policeman asked.
“Why, yes, it did,” said Chuck.
“Why are you asking me these questions?”
The police officer replied in a very serious and stern manner: “Your ball, sir, flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. That driver’s car went out of control and spun into a guard rail, where five other cars hit it. Then a fire truck, that was racing to a fire, smashed into the pileup!”
The policeman’s voice was rising with consternation. “The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down! All that because you hooked a tee shot!”
The policeman was red-faced, and he paused to catch his breath. “What do you think you should do about all this?” he finally asked Chuck.
Chuck was a sensitive man and an upstanding citizen. He thought it over for minute, then replied.
“Well,” Chuck said, “I think I’ll try opening my stance a little.”
An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, ” I can’t believe you missed that putt!” “That putt was no longer than my ‘willy’.”
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, “yes dear, but it was much harder!”
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was enjoying a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its ass. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball—stuck right in the middle of the cow’s ass. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”
Four coworkers always golfed as a group at 7 A.M. every Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them was transferred out of town, so they began talking about how they would fill out the foursome. A woman standing nearby said, “Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?” They were hesitant, but invited her to play a round, after which they would decide whether to bring her in permanently.
They all agreed and she said, “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.” She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, “Ok, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her 7-under-par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed and they asked her to join the group for keeps.
They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”
She said, “That’s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his pecker is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed. If it’s pointing to the left, I golf left-handed.”
Another member of the group asked, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”
She replied, “Then I’ll be here at 6:45.”
An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course and two aliens watched a solitary golfer in sheer amazement.
The golfer duffed his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough onto the fairway, sliced the next shot into the bushes. He then took a putter to get it out and on to the fairway again.
Meanwhile, one alien told the other that he must be playing some sort of weird game and they continued to observe the golfer.
The golfer then skulled a shot into a bunker by the green. He then took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole.
At this point, the other alien told his partner, “Wow, now he’s really in serious trouble!”
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods the golfer?”
“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks his wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that!” she claims.
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” again she claims.
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a third time.”
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole!”