Apparently my e-mail address got distributed to the golfing world after I provided it on a golf tournament entry form a couple of months back. Now I get a constant stream of e-mails and videos on free golf tips. I receive two or three almost every day! All the usual topics: The proper golf grip; how to hit it longer; how to hit it straighter; how to get out of green-side bunker and a bunch of other improvement topics. I usually watch them all and based on the promises, I should’ve been a scratch golfer by now. Instead, my game is so messed up, I’m thinking about giving up the game. Help me! … Signed – Dazed & Confused, Boulder City, NV.
Dear D & C,
Too much golf information is typically the death of the average golfer. Most of those much hyped golf tips are recycled from years past – just packaged up nice and pretty with a different name. On the grip alone, eight pros will give you eight different pieces of advice: Hold it like a hatchet, interlock your fingers, don’t interlock your fingers, hold it firm, grip it like you hold your junk while taking a leak, too strong, too weak, or the “V” in your fingers must be pointed towards Uranus. By the time that game-improving tip of the century is done with you, your attempt to grasp a club will resemble a standard knife hold used by the likes of O.J. Simpson, Jeffrey Dahmer or Dexter. Obviously, that doesn’t work out too good on the course unless you are trying to make some acquaintances disappear. Just do what works for you and have some fun! … MM
Mr. Mulligan Man,
What is your opinion on our Second Amendment Rights to bear arms? Signed, Patriotic Golfer, Branson, Missouri.
Dear Mr Red, White & Blue,
I have found it a lot easier to play golf with arms, than without them. … MM
My girlfriend of almost five years wants me to make a serious commitment by getting her something special to celebrate the anniversary of when we first met. Her name is Amber and we met at Cog Hill Country Club where she works as a hot bartender. Amber hinted that it needed to be something special that she could show off to all of her now married girlfriends. It also needs to be something that her Dad would approve of, and something that would make her mom cry. That all sounded pretty complicated to me, so I went online and performed several hours of extensive research. I think I’ve found the perfect gift but wanted your official stamp of approval. It’s something that shows my commitment and my true love for her and I think her parents will agree with me.
I’ve decided on the new TaylorMade R15 12-degree Driver. It has a cool 12-setting hosel and two sliding weights in the sole to decrease spin via a low-forward center of gravity. This improves the launch angle while limiting spin. The way I figure it, this will be the perfect driver for her when she decides to pick up the sport. What do you think? … Signed Committed – Lemont, IL
Really? You should be committed! You’ve been leading this poor girl on for five-years and the best you can come up with is a driver? Heck, she doesn’t even golf yet! About the only thing I can guarantee will happen with this purchase is – her mom will cry! … MM
I managed to sneak away from work last Tuesday to attend an alleged meeting with a customer so I could get in a round of Spring golf. By the luck of the draw, I was shooting lights out and carded a 37, which included three-birdies on the front nine. Keep in mind, this is coming from a guy who has never broke 80. I was only three-over on the next six holes and my 78 or 79 was soon going to become a reality. Then … my phone rang. It was the boss-man! I panicked and let it go to voice mail. But from that moment on, I couldn’t focus on golf and my scorecard blew up like a action scene in a Schwarzenegger movie – a snowman and a pair of sevens. Work was all I could think about. My dream 78 ballooned to an 85. What in the heck happened to me? … Signed Depressed in San Antonio.
One you commit to sneaking out of work to fill your golf mojo, you have to be “ALL-IN.” That means, turn OFF your cell phone and commit to the game. Not on vibrate, but OFF to resist the urge to look at the screen. After all, you can’t take calls while meeting with your prized customer? That would be rude! If you answer it, you’re busted. If you don’t, you’re doing your job! … MM
Mr. Mulligan Man,
I was watching last weekend’s PGA event at Donald Trump’s course in Florida and really enjoyed and personally identified with the Rory McIlroy melt down when he chucked his iron into the lake. I can truly identify with the guy because I have helicoptered an assortment of irons and putters into local water hazards during some frustrating moments. So much so, that I threw out my shoulder and had to have rotator cuff surgery after my last episode. Am I an idiot or what? Signed, Golf Shoulder in Rehab.
For all of the ups and downs that the sport of golf serves up, it is perfectly acceptable to have the occasional high blood pressure throw-fest melt down. You’re sort of an idiot, but an acceptable one in my book. Letting a $200 golf club fly provides instant freedom and is uplifting in the spirit of the moment; almost as good as sex — for a couple of seconds — until the endorphins wear off. Make sure you smoke a cigarette afterwards. … MM
Hey Mully Man,
Did PGA golfer Robert Allenby really get drugged, mugged and kidnapped in Honolulu? Or did something else happen? What do you know? Signed, The Truth Hurts, Bandon, OR.
Hey T. Hurts,
Let’s see now … Mr. Allenby misses the cut at the Sony Open and decides to drown his sorrows in alcohol, before dropping $4,300 at a strip club during the wee hours. Hmmmm? That doesn’t sound like drugged and mugged to me! Maybe sloshed and lap danced into a boob-numbing coma – but not drugged and mugged. And what are the odds that he was kidnapped – in Hawaii of all places? Have you ever seen a kidnapper in flip-flops? My guess is Allenby received his facial injuries by passing out and face-planting into his rental car. Then, he tried to save his reputation with some STORYTELLING 101. Purely FICTION! … MM
I decided to head to Phoenix for a little vacation weekender with my wife. But instead of going to the Super Bowl, which we really can’t afford, we went to the Phoenix Open to watch Tiger Woods tackle TPC Scottsdale. We figured Tiger was healthy again and ready to play some good golf. Then, by the luck of the draw, he blows up and shoots an 82 on Friday and misses the cut! Heck, I shoot 82’s. What the heck is going on with this guy? His short game is absolutely horrible. The only thing Tiger can chip is his tooth, and pitch is a strange scooter made in India. My wife’s theory is that karma is a bitch and is getting even with Tiger for having sex with a variety of skank’s and porn stars while he was married. What is your opinion on the topic? … Signed PGA Fan on his lap top in the Phoenix Marriott.
True, Karma is a bitch, just like my ex, who coincidentally, was named Karma. … MM
Last Saturday afternoon after playing my regular round with my buddies, my “honey-do” list included cleaning up the garage. It was a mess and I needed to sort out my golf stuff anyway. During the process, I accidentally stumbled across an old shoebox that was hidden behind some half empty paint cans in the cabinets. Inside were recent photographs of my wife Destiny with a younger man, a credit card I didn’t know anything about, and an extensive collection of hotel, dinner and vacation receipts dating back almost two years. I was totally shocked, distraught and in a real dark place. I was shaking so hard, I almost missed the 10% OFF discount cards from GolfSmiths. My question to you is, do those discounts actually benefit me by the time I pay for shipping? Signed, Rick in Seattle.
First off, never marry a woman named Destiny, Champagne, Felony, or Diamond! You can’t trust them. And yes, those discount cards work, because you get free shipping on orders over $50! … MM
Have you ever wanted to tell your kids they were adopted? My wife and I took our two small children out to trick or treat early Halloween evening. While we were gone, we put our two teenagers (Megan 16 and Skylar 14) in charge of the house and candy distribution duties. What harm could possible come from that venture?
Apparently sometime around 8:00 p.m., after passing out huge amounts of their sweet stash to all of their friends, they ran out of candy. Since our doorbell was still ringing, Megan and Skylar came to the conclusion that they needed to pass out something. After searching the house for goodies to hand out, they decided to pass out my golf balls to the remaining trick or treaters. And not my regular Titliest ProV1’s from my golf bag, but my special logoed balls from my collection of top 100 courses I have played. Yes, those golf balls, from the wooden ball rack on my home office wall.
By the time I got home around 9:00 p.m., they had already given away 78 of my most prized golf possessions. Golf balls from famed establishments such as Pebble Beach, Pinehurst, Bandon Dunes, TPC Sawgrass, Cog Hill, Whistling Straits, and many more. They were all gone. At first I was heartbroken. Then I was so mad I didn’t know what to do! I could have strangled them both. What is proper etiquette in this scenario? Signed … Ball-less – San Diego, CA
I think the least you could do was tell them they were adopted! Then strangle! … MM
I’m doing my best to keep up with the FedEx Cup points standings and who will become the season champion and win the BIG MONEY. The problem is the points schedule is so complicated that I have absolutely no idea who is leading or how a relative no name player can be 65th one week and be in the top five the next. What the heck? That’s like hitting a grand slam in a scoreless baseball game and all of sudden you’re leading 23-0. Then to throw another wrench into the mix, they keep cutting down the field of eligible players every week. I have no idea what is going on. How am I going to figure out who is going to be the 2014 FedEx Champ? … Signed Skip in Seattle.
Don’t try to figure it out. Just tune in to NBC on September 14th around 4:00 p.m.-ish and watch and listen. Hopefully that will correspond with a commercial break during the Seahawks-Chargers NFL game so you don’t miss anything. My question to you is this … if FedEx is paying out a $10M grand prize (again), can you imagine how much it’s going to ship an overnight package? … MM
There seems to be a all kinds of problems affecting sports these days. Dustin Johnson bowing out of golf for “personal issues;” Ray Rice playing pinata with his wife in an elevator; PED’s in baseball, rampant marijuana use in the NBA; DUI’s across the board, and that’s just the stuff we know about. I’m not sure where the sports world is headed. It doesn’t seem like any sport or statistic is legit anymore and the athletes are more whacked out than the general public. So with that in mind, I have one question for you? Do you think that a smoking hottie like Rene Russo would actually have slept with an old washed up golf pro like Roy McAvoy like she did in Tin Cup? Signed … Danny H. – Golf Pro at Twin Peaks Golf Course.
You started out so well with a quality topic, and then you finished with … ah … another quality topic. Sounds like you need to address your medical marijuana issues soon! … MM
What is the greatest golf book ever written? … Signed Golf Reader.
That’s an easy one. It’s Rick Reilly’s “SHANKS FOR NOTHING,” and it’s available now on Amazon.com. It is 253-pages of funny. I guarantee you will be able to relate with this book. … MM
Mr. M. Man,
Name three things that we see in other sports that we we could add to the sport of golf to make it more interesting. … Signed Oscar in Redondo Beach, CA
I’ll play. Here you go … (1). Flopping; (2). Face-offs on the putting green; and (3). Allow the use of those loud obnoxious horns that they blow constantly during the World Cup matches, Can you imagine playing the entire last hole of the Masters with that going on in the background? Organized Mayhem! … MM
I think golf is ruining my marriage – or at least that’s what my wife tells me every single day of my life. Nag, Nag, Nag. All she does is nag, moan and groan about me and golf. She complains that I play every day and that I spend too much time at the Country Club. She also points out daily that that I watch too much of the Golf Channel. She even argued with me that swinging golf clubs in the garage was not a cardiovascular exercise. She berates me on the fact that I know all of the dates of the four Majors, but sometimes struggle with the dates of her birthday and our anniversary. It just never ends!
She is still pissed that I removed her vegetable garden from the backyard and installed an awesome putting green. And she almost had a meltdown when I installed a killer full-swing golf simulator in our guest room. I know I’m not perfect, but she is literally driving me up a wall and I don’t know what to do.
So with all that in mind, my question to you is, do you think Tiger Woods will ever surpass Jack Nicklaus record for the most wins in Majors? … Signed Dave in Omaha.
Did you marry me ex-wife? And … NO … MM
Dear Mulligan Man,
What do you do when your opponent claims to have found his ball in the rough, but you know he’s a big liar because you’ve got it in your pocket? … Signed Confused.
Dear Confused Liar,
I think you two have written a whole new definition for the golf term … “LIE.” Like in … you lying cheating dishonest non-trustworthy pieces of crap. You shouldn’t be playing golf! You should be politicians! … MM
I heard that all golfers can improve their game by adding some form of a “waggle” to their swing. I read that it’s supposed to help release golf swing tension and produce a more consistent shot. However, my regular golf partner Tony has taken his waggle to a whole new level. In fact, it’s pretty embarrassing. It looks like a cross between someone being attacked by a swarm of bees and someone performing the old Y.M.C.A. dance song in the ’70’s. Heck, just watching him makes me tired and it’s definitely NOT helping his golf game or mine. It takes him forever to hit the ball – when he actually does hit the ball. What do you suggest? … Signed Vinny in New Jersey.
First off, I would suggest that you video that waggle and post it on YouTube. Based on your description, it could go viral and embarrass him enough to abandon the process. Or, two, just hit him with a TASER, pretend he is having a stroke, dial 911, and move on. … MM
I just have one proper etiquette question for you. What do you call four old Ladies that are playing slowly on a golf course? … Signed Merle in Florida.
That would be called a “GRUESOME.” Just in case you are not up to speed on others, here are a few more you should know about: Four men playing after a long lunch at the 19th hole are called a “FEARSOME.” A husband and wife playing together are general regarded as a QUARRELSOME.” A single player dishing up a long list of old worn out jokes is a “TIRESOME.” I hope that clears things up! … MM
What is the true definition of an “Up and Down” on the golf course? … Signed Tony in Klamath Falls, OR.
The official answer is to hole out from off the green in two strokes; an approach shot and a single putt. However it is more common for most players to go “up, across, beyond, next to, around and down,” or “up, way over, under, into, through, along, onto, beside and down.” Just saying! … MM
Dear Mr. Mulligan Man,
I was online again last week, contemplating the multitude of over-priced options trying to purchase my new ObamaCare health care policy. I had attempted to do this several times previously, but kept getting kicked out, or the web site would just quit working. This time, I was determined. I was going to stay online as long as necessary to do my research, choose my plan, and pick my deductible. After a nerve-racking four hours and ten-minutes, I finally dialed in the BlueShield 90-10 Plan and reached for my credit card.
However, when I turned back, there was a pop-up on my screen for the new Callaway X-Hot driver. It promised more yardage off the tee, an area I’ve been struggling in, so naturally I clicked on it. Boy, was I impressed! The new Speed Frame Face creates incredibly fast ball speeds all across the face for longer, more consistent distance. It allows one to set the face angle Open, Square, or Closed to fine tune trajectory and appearance. And it has Callaway’s thinnest casting technology ever to creat a lighter club configuration and an optimized center of gravity. So my question to you Mulligan Man is — do I really need health insurance? … Signed … Insurance Challenged in Topeka, KS.
That’s a great question! My point of view is that I believe a healthy mind overcomes a unhealthy body. I suggest you buy the driver of your dreams and spend the same four or so quality hours on a golf course. Just call it mental therapy – no insurance required. … MM
Are Amish people allowed to use electronic devices such as Sky Caddies to measure their distance from the pin? … L.T.
Really? That’s your question? I would be more concerned with the mess left behind by their horse-drawn golf cart! … MM
I think I’ve been watching too much of the Golf Channel and now I’m confused. How many wedges should I have in my bag? … Signed Wedgie!
That’s a great question. In fact, I was just as conflicted and confused on that topic because there are just too many choices. So today, I sport a 52-degree, 54-degree, 56-degree, 58-degree and a 60-degree Callaway X-Hot wedge in my bag. I can now hit any shot from five-yards to 100-yards in distance, broken down in one-yard increments – depending on the wedge chosen. Now, I’m on a mission to petition the USGA with enough signatures to allow around 20 clubs in a legal golf bag. … MM
I know you have a different perspective on golf and the real world, so here is your challenge. Tell me 10 things that sound dirty at golf, but aren’t really. … Signed Just another Letter Writer.
Bored Letter Writer,
I would consider this a strange request, but as always, I’m up for the challenge. Here are 10 things that sound dirty in golf.
1. Lift your head and spread your legs.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft is bent!
3. After 18-holes, I can barely walk!
4. Look at the size of my putter.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
6. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up! I’ve got to wash my balls!
10. Damn … I missed the hole again. … MM …
I don’t get it? My boss golf’s constantly and is always looking to fill out his foursome with company associates. However, he never invites me. I was thinking that maybe he doesn’t know I’m a golf fanatic. What ideas do you have for getting the message out in my office that I want to golf also? Signed … Idea Seeker in Chicago.
Dear Mr. Golf Seeker,
This one is actualy pretty easy. Here are just a few of my suggestions …
(1). Get a can of gray spray paint and paint a circle around your cubicle on the carpet. When the inquiry comes, tell them that your office space is “GROUND UNDER REPAIR.”
(2). Get a cat litter box, fill it with litter, and put it in the middle of the break room. Then get some golf balls and improve your bunker game by splashing some balls out of the sand.
(3). Relieve yourself like you do on a golf course. Next time you have to go, step up to a prominent tall potted plant and unzip.
(4). Steal every pen in the building and replace them with short golf pencils.
(5). Applaud all good deeds around the office with a polite golf clap.
(6). When in a conversation, no matter where you are in the office, say “I have to go, it’s my shot” … and leave.
(7). When talking on the phone, always speak in that low golf course announcer voice., so others can barely hear or understand you. If you can do it with a British accent, that’s even better.
(8). When others are making a presentation in the conference room, yell FORE, and dive under the conference table.
(9). Bring your golf balls to work and clean them … but always below your desk where people can’t see your hands. When asked what you are doing … tell them, but leave out the word golf.
(10). Send out flyers to every associate in your building about a mandatory staff development meeting. When everyone arrives, show them reruns of Sunday’s PGA golf tournament.
(11). Whenever somebody throws something away, yell out in the top of your voice, “IT’S IN THE HOLE!”
(12). Schedule the next company meeting for 7:52 a.m.
(13). Decorate your office with pictures of Michelle Wie and Natalie Gulbis. Try to pass them off as your children.
(14). Put up protective golf ball netting around your workspace.
(15). Page yourself over the intercom like you are being announced at the first tee box at the Masters.
(16). Whenever someone hands you something … stop … pause … and put on your golf glove first.
(17). Send an e-mail to everyone in your company telling them what you are doing. For example, “If anybody needs me, I’ll be on the putting green.”
(18). Come to work wearing your rain gear.
(19). Wear your golf shoes to work everyday. At the end of every break, take them off and beat them together to get mysterious debrie off the soles.
(20.) During breaks, sit at your desk, take off your Titliest golf cap and apply spray sun screen.
Besides those few things, I don’t have anything for you. … MM …
Dude … I’m so depressed!!!. After seven-years of what I thought was a blissful marriage, I think my wife is having an affair. Worse yet, I think she is fooling around with the Club Pro, because she is spending way too much time at the course taking lessons, some that last well into the evening. Heck, my golf course doesn’t even have a lighted driving range.
I needed to find out if it was true, so the other day when she departed for her alleged lessons, I performed a little Navy Seal reconnaissance. I dug out my old 140X military binoculars, camoflagued up, and hid in the shrubbery scross from the practice range. After laying low for about a half hour, my binoc’s zoomed in on my wife Layla bouncing out of the pro shop wearing her super short golf shorts and a halter top – and get this — holding hands with Matt, our club’s Golf Professional. They set up on the range and judging from Layla’s body language, something bad was happening. By the way she was flipping her hair around and being all touchy-feely and flirtatious, my biggest fear was coming true – she had to be cheating on me. My head was pounding. My chest was tightening up. I was crushed!
It got even worse when she lined up a shot. Matt stood directly behind her, pressing his body up against hers as she bent her knees, wrapping his arms around her tightly. He might call this a golf lesson, but Layla treated it as foreplay. I was shocked! I was getting ready to drop my binoculars and go kick some golf pro ass when I caught a glimpse of Matt’s new white TaylorMade SuperFast 2.0 9.0 degree TP Driver leaning against his bag. WOW! Sleek lines, high performance 65-gram Matrix Ozik HD 6 shaft, toe-weighted for a neutral fade-bias. Man, that baby is SAHWEEEEET! My question to you is … is it true that I can get an extra 10-yards off the tee box with this new technology? Signed TaylorMade Fan!
Dear TMF Dude,
I think you should go ask Matt for some professional club advice – maybe over dinner with him and your wife. Then head down to a psychologist about your ADD issue. … MM …
My smoking hot girlfriend Tiffany and I took advantage of some slow play last Saturday at the Eagle Glen Golf Course and had sex while waiting to hit our approach shots on the eighth hole. When we finally made it to the green, Tiffany slid the flag off the flagstick and stuck it in her golf bag. When I asked what she was doing, she said it’s a golf tradition that if you have sex on the golf course, you earn the right to keep the flag on the hole played (pardon the pun.) Is that true? Signed … Golf Purist!
Although you will not find it in the Official Rules of Golf, that tradition is absolutely true. However, you might want to be concerned by the fact that your hottie knew all about it in the first place. My second concern is … you had sex in the time you were waiting to play your approach shot??? Are you kidding me? Either play was really slow, or your play was extremely fast! … MM …
My regular golf partner is grossing me out. He keeps blowing his nose in my golf towel. What should I do? Signed … Disgusted in Kentucky.
As far as golf course etiquette goes, that”s about as low and disgusting as it gets. In my book, turnabout is fair play. Next time you have to use the bathroom at the course, you know what to do. … MM …
Mr. Mulligan Man,
I don’t want to waste any of your time, so here’s my question … are there any similarities between Viagra and golf? Signed the Thinker!
In fact, the two products are so different that they are the same. Let me explain. Have you ever really listened to that 30-second side effects disclaimer at the end of every Viagra commercial? You know …, the stuff about headaches, dizziness, upset stomach, flushing and blurred vision … and to contact a medical professional if you’re still sporting a driver after four or so hours? Now think about the last time you were at the golf course behind a group of imitation golfers hacking there way to a marathon 4 1/2 hour-plus round. Headaches, dizziness, upset stomach, blurred vision … all symptoms of standing around too long with your driver in your hand. It’s all the same! Make sense? … MM