Why do alleged fans of our sport come out to golf tournaments and yell out stupid words or sayings a split-second after the PGA Pro’s hit their drives? And what should we do about them? I mean why in the world would you scream out something as stupid as “MASHED POTATOES” on a golf course? Signed Joey Starch, Brooklyn, NY
Unfortunately, many children were dropped on their heads or were allegedly raised by parents that were. Now you can’t fix stupid, but you sure can teach it a lesson. I recommend purchasing a set of Motocross elbow pads, the kind that are manufactured out of injection molded hard plastic. Stuff one in your backpack at the next tournament you attend. When you find one of the morons, follow him to the next hole because he will do it again – guaranteed Position yourself next to him in the gallery and at the moment of truth, just as he yells, provide a swift elbow uppercut jab to his nose. He’ll never know what hit him. If anyone asks, just say you think he ate some bad MASHED POTATOES and passed out. Case closed! … MM
Something has happened to my golf game and it’s killing my handicap. I’ve missed so many three-foot putts this year that I’m starting to get a complex. It’s in my head so bad that my heart races and I sweat bullets over the easiest putts. However, I can drain ten-footers like clockwork. Help me! … Signed Desperate Putter in Bay Harbor, MI.
You can either lay up everything to ten feet, or just don’t care. Have you ever noticed that you can swing your putter between the legs, one-handed, and sink just about any no-look putt when nothing is on the line? It’s the same philosophy that allows you to center cut a 55-foot triple breaker … for a snowman! Quit caring (but in a good way1) … MM
Hey Mulligan Man,
What do you think about Steve Williams blowing up the Internet with his Tiger Woods accusations in his new “tell all” book? He says Tiger treated him like a slave and he didn’t know anything about the extracurricular sexual activities that brought down the Tiger-Empire. What’s your opinion on all of this? … Signed Chuck in Coeur D’Alene, Idaho,
Although the book is written by Steve, it’s written like a well scorned woman in a drama-filled Kardashian type of way. Why? It sells tons of books and, Mr. Williams could probably use the cash since his current employer Adam Scott isn’t exactly lighting up the PGA Money List. Here are the facts, Steve Williams made $8M as Tiger’s caddie for 13-years. Since then, not even close to a fraction of that.
As a caddie, which is technically classified as a service provider, you are taking a lesser role to provide good service to the employer. Sort of like a personal assistant or publiciist. It’s your job to support the cause, but to be barely seen or heard. Does that make him a slave – NO WAY! His ego is getting in the way. In addition, Tiger allegedly slept with a two dozen different woman and Steve didn’t know about that? There is absolutely no way that happened because they usually stayed in the same hotels.
This is just a case of, let’s publish some crap that will sell some books. It should also be noted that this book was published in New Zealand, where Steve can limit his legal defamation liability. Like the Kardashian’s, we should ignore this and spend our time and energy doing something more important like golf! I am. … MM
Many American’s are complaining that President Obama spends too much time golfing and not enough time representing out best interests. I did a little research and it appears that our past 12 Presidents had a fondness for a tee time and because of their high-profile outings, the sport has grown in stature. My question to you is this: What happens to our beloved sport if Hillary Clinton becomes the next president? She doesn’t golf! … Signed Tee Party, Palmer, Alaska.
Great question. All I can say is If Hillary gets elected, we have a lot bigger things to worry about than just the sport of golf! Just saying! … MM
I recently played in a Champions Tour ProAm with Fred Couples. My wife volunteered to caddie for me, not because she loves me and wanted to, but because she has the hots for Fred Couples. It was an embarrassing day for me as she was blatantly hitting on the guy for five straight hours; not to mention she was an absolutely horrible caddie. Fred was a good sport about it, but I was the laughing stock of our group at the bar in the clubhouse. What should I have done? … Signed Mitch, Reno, NV.
Fred is good looking guy so those things can happen. Since you knew about her “golf-crush” in advance, you should have taken preventative measures to wear her out. By that, I recommend putting an extra three dozen golf balls in your bag; along with a camera, an ipad, a large half-gallon water bottle, some snacks, all of your rain gear, a large umbrella, and an extra pair of shoes in your bag – whether you needed that stuff or not. After a couple of holes of carrying all that around in your heavy overstuffed golf bag, the only thing she will be hitting on will be the ground. … MM
It’s getting hard not to notice, but there seems to be a direct correlation between the amount of alcohol I drink and my golf score. And I’m saying that my score is actually lower when I drink a few adult beverages on the course. My wife just says I have a drinking problem. I say my golf game is getting better. Do you have any data to support my claim that drinking improves the high handicappers golf game? … Signed Al in Jacksonville, FL.
There have been several high profile studies to research the alleged benefits of swing lubricants. The problem is all of the test subjects keep getting plastered and forget to accurately track their data. All anyone can remember is they had a good time and they want to attempt to continue the study again next weekend. Which kind of proves a point. A little sunshine, some good friends, a couple of cocktails and everything seems better. You relax, swing more freely, and your good shots gain legendary status and your bad shots, well, you just don’t care. … MM
I attended the LPGA Tour Event at the Kingsmill Resort in Virginia a couple of weeks ago and was enjoying a fantastic weekend until some douchebag picked my pocket and got away with my wallet. This guy casually bumped into me, excused himself, and quickly scurried away. It took me a couple of moments before I realized that my wallet and credit cards were gone. I quickly began to search the crowd for the guy.
By the time I saw him again, he was about 100-yards ahead of me walking briskly up side of the fourth fairway, attempting to get as far away from me as possible. I started to yell and broke into a sprint to chase him down. He picked up his pace, but I was totally pissed and my adrenaline was pumping away. I was determined to get my wallet back and kick his ass to within an inch of his life. I was within 10-yards of the guy next to the fifth green and about to tackle him when I noticed Michelle Wie leaning over her five-foot putt for birdie. She was completely bent at the waist in her unique and very sexy table top putting stance. Those long tanned legs and that perfect lean body were enough to take my breath away. In fact, I’m pretty sure it did because that was the position in which my first child was conceived. As much as I hate to admit it, my mind raced with a barrage of impure thoughts. I was mesmerized and in need of a cold shower.
My question to you is, should I get an appointment at the DMV to get a new drivers license, or should I just go stand in line. … Signed Michelle Wie Fan.
MW Fan, I would get an appointment – and maybe a prescription for Ritalin from your doctor to improve your focus. … MM
Mr. Mulligan Man,
My wife of 12-years wants to take our sex life to the next level. She wants to have sex on a golf course. What should I do? Signed Dude, Mesquite, NV
Seriously? Book a tee time, before someone else books one for you! … MM